Old Thoughts on New Feelings (old and reposted)

We live in a world that constantly enforces messages of love and tolerance and eradication of hate. It's important, true. But I hate. I think I hate every day of my life. It may be buried, or suppressed, or left behind in favor of things more important. But I hate.

People say "I prefer the term 'strongly dislike'". They say "Hate is a powerful term". It is. I never dispute that. Would it be silly to propose that hate wakes me up in the morning? That it motivates, although it can cripple? That it's (gasp!) healthy, in a cathartic, energizing way?

I'll tell you what I hate; in this case, 'you' refers to whomever chooses to read this. Following this, please suspend your assumptions about which person 'you' refers to. I don't mean to be cryptic. OK, I do. But I also mean to be universal, so that perhaps it's easier to understand.

I hate the realization that I wasted, willingly, those years of my life that I spent with you. There were two of them. It's not a long time; it's eternity. I lost those two years because I became the wrong person, and that person took over. I hate YOU. I hate your newfound willingness to be a father. Where did that come from? Emphatically, you were the opposite when it counted for us, and the results ruined me. Those are two years in which I lost my family, lost my sanity, lost my purpose. I lived with and for you. And hate is what came of it. The fact that I hate you pulled me out of bed for days after you supposedly left my life, and now I find myself back in the ring and back in my old self because that hatred pushed me to prove that I could once again be myself and on my own and better.

I hate religion. If everyone went out, questing, one day, and found an empty field, and laid there for a minute, or an hour, alone, perhaps the peace we all need could be found. Instead, we hide behind reams of paper and lists of doctrine, expecting to find guidance. Pass the collection plate. Your five dollars won't buy you salvation, but it might buy the church some new lightbulbs. It's a little ironic that I hate religion because I think religion breeds hate.

I hate eggs. Eggs IN something, such as cake batter, fried rice, etc. are perfectly acceptable because I don't have to see them. Eggs in any form involving scramble, omelette, poach, or otherwise are terribly, horribly, no good very bad. I can't deal with it. It's a texture thing. Just thought I'd clear that up for everyone, in case you cared.

I hate your fear. You're afraid of two women kissing. You're afraid of two men inclining their heads to rest against each other. You're afraid of trans-fats. You're afraid of the inner city, an inner city YOU created. You're afraid of rising gas prices. You're afraid of men in turbans. You're afraid of ME.

Yes, I hated "Borat". I was expecting a film-length version of the kind of satirical, devious dialogue that has made "Da Ali G Show" famous in Britain. Instead, I got Sascha Baron Cohen looking REALLY unattractive, when he is not that (he's actually rather good looking), wrestling with an obese, hairy man. If I wanted to see that, I'd turn on some 'Jackass". I want my nine bucks back.

I used to hate the fact that I felt hatred at all. Hate has flayed me in many ways. It forced the razor across. It sat beside me and poured the wine and loosened my tongue. It turned me on my heel and kept me from fighting for years. It blew things up. It built them.

But it's also become something I've decided I must live with. It's useless to pacify myself when I know that hate is what brought me here. I hated what I had become, so I used that drive to move my life. And I'm sitting here looking at the picture that pops up next to my name, and I know that finally I am capable of great love. Polarity. One doesn't exist without the other. What you do with both is up to you.