50 Things That Feel Really Good: #s 6-10

Here are a few more. Again, in no particular order. And, at their core, evidence of my own journey back through what's helped make me who I am. Or, more accurately, helped me realise who I'm NOT...

6. Reminiscing over a past love. And being able to laugh about it. Hoo, boy. This one's a toughie. So many times in the past, I've caught myself getting down over 'losing' someone. You know the deal: you're single, & not really dating, & while you're doing the dishes, you catch yourself wondering what happened to the person who used to come up behind you as you did so, to steal a kiss or just say hello. Here's the thing...we don't ever 'lose' people. That's an emotionally-dissociative fallacy. They're not lost at all. And more times than not recently, I've found that the following is true: I catch myself getting all nostalgic, & a specific memory comes into my head: laughing uproariously while twined together in the back of a cab, making the cabbie laugh uproariously too. Waking up freezing to death, except for my back, pressed up against his front. BBQs. So many things. And my heart breaks a little. And then, improbably or not, I have to laugh. Because it really was funny. Because it really still is. And because remembering that I've loved that way, & been loved in return, kinda sorta feels really, really good.

7. Drawing the line without crossing it. I'm not a mean person. Or a snide one. Or a negative one. I CAN be all those things, I guess. But it's not who I am. What feels really good, & really right, anymore, is the ability to draw the line about who I'm not, without letting myself step over that line into the territory of defensiveness, or negativity, or malice. There's some stuff I just don't do: polyamory, drugs, pool/billiards, tofu, cats (OK, most cats). I don't do massive festivals like Burning Man or even Rainbow Gathering-I know, I know. I went. I saw. It wasn't my thing. There are things I absolutely MUST do, or perish (I haven't perished yet, but I'm telling you, I would...): drink coffee, train in combat sports, have a dog, use the wilderness to recenter myself, give the people I love my all. Here's the deal: being able to draw the line on who you are, or who you're NOT, without crossing into that territory of identity occupied by judging yourself against the judgements of others, & the Selves of others, is a neat trick to learn. Because it teaches you exactly how far to go, based on how far you've come. Anyone who asks you to compromise an action, emotion, intention or other fundamental part of yourself is not worth your time. Draw that line, & politely refuse to cross it.

8. Sleeping. Dude, I'm not gonna lie. I really, really like to sleep sometimes. Especially outdoors in the sun, on the couch for random naps, with my dog for a pillow, whatever. I do the stretching-sliding-rubbing-face-in-pillow-snooze-button-abusing thing too. True story.

9. Recognizing and engaging in your true spirituality. This one has taken quite a few years, trials & painful tribulations to conclude on. I was raised Catholic & decided that wasn't for me; it wasn't easy, & still isn't, & sometimes it gets lonely, being the only one in the family who doesn't have that in common. It was a little over 2 years ago that I genuflected & sat in St. Mary's Basilica in Krakow, Poland, staring in awe at the manmade beauty of the place: gilt-framed votives, huge, towering candles & candleabrum, stars embossed on the domed ceiling in metallic paint; awe fueled by the absolute devotion of the people, tourists or not, to the symbology at play. I wondered if I were in the wrong, if I should still 'believe in God', as it were. I've dabbled in Buddhism a bit, & am wholly in love with the gods, goddesses & divinity of Hinduism. Some of my closest friends are 'pagan'. But devotional spirituality, to me, just isn't the way it works. I'll tell you what I do know: that I have faith. In so, so many things: sunrise, the goodness of men despite an ongoing world climate punctuated by hatefulnesss; in where the Center is, & where to find the juciest wild apples in fall. In my family. In myself, even though I'm totally self-deprecating & the butt of my own jokes. And just about every single day, something or someone makes me throw back my head & laugh. The cedars are shot through with light. I take a minute or 5 or longer to meditate, do sun salutations, take a walk, close my eyes. I read something touching, inspiring, & brave. A friend or loved one sends me a message. And I have no idea what you call it, this faith, but I have it. It's benevolent, loving, powerful & authentic, so whatever it's called, whatever it is, it's there, & I believe. I believe in you, too. Yeah. You.

10. Kissing someone who really can kiss. Oh, man. In the words of Iona from Pretty in Pink, "I don't usually go for younger men, but when the Duckman kissed me back there, I swear, my thighs went up in flames." Yeah. You know what I'm talking about. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go away for a moment. Into dreamland.