Why I Still Believe in CouchSurfing, Part the Second

So...to pick up where we left off, my first host in Warszawa was extremely helpful from the outset, coming to pick me up at the train station, giving me maps & directions & invitations to various events. I assumed, given his age (20 years my senior; I am 27), that he was a fatherly sort of person, & was grateful for the help.

The uncomfortable situations began almost immediately: hugs as I left for the morning during which he slid his hands down my back quickly enough to graze my butt before I could pull away; random comments about Indian women; one evening, a conversation about CouchSurfing that ended with his mentioning, "If I said I have never slept with my CouchSurfing guests, I would be lying; if I said I had never slept with any hosts, that would be a lie, too." Most people reading this will same a similar reaction: That's fucked up, for one, and for two, why didn't you get out immediately?

This is, of course, the reaction of someone outside the situation, although I must concede to this point. Why DON'T we remove ourselves immediately & forcibly from these types of scenarios? Why DON'T we open our mouths & tell the offending party where to step off, that what they're doing is inappropriate & wrong? It's good question, I allow; it's very easy to become incensed by the way someone has been treated & to let that indignation tell you what to tell them they should have done. I can only reference myself in this case, to say that I had no idea how to react. It was shocking. I had entrusted myself to this person's care, as one does whilst surfing, & rather than having a pleasant, friendly, respectful host, I now had a pleasant, overly-friendly & audacious one. As difficult as this may be for others to understand, I believe it is also a valid point. Many women (or men, for that matter) are at a loss as to how to effectively remove themselves from a situation like this. In the case of CS, it becomes all the more difficult for one's predisposition to timidity: We are guests, and the host has been gracious enough to provide a bed, or guidance around the city, or a meal, or all of the above; we feel as though the only reaction available to us ought to be gratitude. Or, more simply, we are taken aback by this abuse of the project, especially by those who (again, ON PAPER) come to us so highly recommended.

To shorten this lengthy account, the situation got out of hand a few days later, after I had-probably unnecessarily-put up with these comments & gestures for four or so nights. Having walked around Warszawa all day in the cold, I arrived back at the apartment to find my host was not in. This was a huge relief, but it lasted only briefly, as he called to say he would be home shortly. I sat stiffly on one end of the couch as he flipped through the T.V. channels & then suggested we watch a movie. At one point during "The Break-up" (which I do not suggest watching), he laughed at something Vince Vaughn said & clapped his hand down over my thigh, then started rubbing my leg. I moved. As soon as the movie was over, I stood up and said I was going to sleep. He had been sleeping in the living room on the pull-out bed, giving me the bedroom with its door of frosted glass & reassuring bolt lock. Instead of leaving me alone, however, he came into the bedroom (as I was not yet asleep, the door was open; I was straightening up my things) and stood in the doorway.

"So", he said, "Do I get to sleep with you tonight, or do I have to sleep in my own bed?"


I believe I felt three things:
1) Confusion: How could someone who came so highly recommended by others on the CouchSurfing project be doing this? How could he deem it "OK" to approach a female guest like this? While I doubted I was the only woman to experience this kind of sexual harassment, the references left on his profile were undeniably stellar; no one else had made any comments regarding him approaching them sexually. Was I just overreacting?
2) Panic: I had no idea what to do. Again, as you do, I was relying on this person for shelter in Warszawa. I knew there were plenty of hostels in the area, but I had no idea how to remove myself from the house without being forced into a lengthy & probably unpleasant altercation. I had keys to the house, & the security codes for the gates. I was on foot with a heavy backpack. How far would this guy go?
3) Total Paralysis: Based mostly on the combination of the two above feelings. It was now close to 3 AM. How in the world was I supposed to find somewhere to stay that night?

The end result of this was that I stayed that night, slept not at all, and immediately left the house the next morning. I spent the rest of that day touring Warszawa with a friend, then returned to the house only to pack up my things & leave; another Couchsurfing host picked me up.

So, why do I still believe wholeheartedly in CS, its mission, its participants, & the system in general?

Because occurrences like the above are a rarity. : In my experience, the vast, vast majority of CSers are, if not innocent, completely devoted to making the system work in their favor, which entails making it work for EVERYONE. They are open, fun, friendly, and just the right amount crazy, but never disrespectful, intrusive or sleazy.

Because for every oddball, creep or personality mismatch, there are hundreds of absolute gems: This was never more true than in Warszawa. Immediately upon leaving the nightmare, I walked straight into one of the best CS experiences of the trip. Staying with my 2nd host (hosts, actually: they're brothers) was so much fun, & I plan to return to Warszawa to surf with them again on my way back home. You may encounter creeps, like I did. You may have hosts or surfers that you quite simply go not get along with, for various reason. You may host someone whose habits strike you as odd, or perhaps somewhat alarming; you may surf with someone who just seems 'off' somehow. This may leave a bad taste in your mouth until you next host/surf, and I can guarantee you that, next time or the time after that or consistently for a year, you will make the best friends you never knew you could have, & have experiences with them you'd never have had without CS.

Because I refuse to let go of my faith in human goodness, hospitality, & altruistic trust.: Shit happens. We all know that. There are bad people & weird people & sneaky people all over the world. But that doesn't mean that you should walk through the world with a can of Mace in your pocket, or stay only in hotels, or refuse to travel to a place because you heard "the crime rate is really high". I refuse to live by looking over my shoulder constantly, traveling only from point A to point B, speaking only to those who "look safe" or are familiar. CS is based on the fundamental & integral belief that human nature also includes the inclination towards altruism: by helping & supporting our peers we ensure our own survival, or, helping others to help ourselves. CS is devoted to this principle.

I will continue to surf, to host & to explain both to everyone I know, in the hopes that CS attracts more & more of its essential & upstanding members.